Her Codename Was Mary Sue
by Anti-Milic
Summary: Take a seat and grab a drink because this is the aweful tale of how a Mary Sue would destroy the both the Fanon and Canon universe of Naruto by attempting to act like a normal respectable character. This, of course, defies all logic of a Mary Sue.


I've been thinking and reading a lot of Mary Sue drenched fanfiction, mostly in the Naruto section and crossovers and I decided to write this. So I thought that I could write a good Mockiction (copy-righted. Do not steal) *(psych Go ahead) for everything like Mary Sues, Self-Inserts, OC, Popular OC characters, Minor Characters, Grammar Issues, Spelling and lots of other shit.

I'm mostly doing this so people cannot bitch at me again about my reviews. No offense to people who have bitched at me and then apologized a day later.

In fact, I'm actually dedicating this story to a friend who told me not to be such a harsh critic. Thanks Marissa.

So I am writing this up in my spare time but I do have a life. That life takes up most of my time so expect this story to be updated irregularly.

If I bother to even finish this at all...

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><p><em><strong>Chapter 1: Mary Sue Candidate<strong>_

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><p>Olivia Esterfield found herself standing on top of a sand dune in the middle of nowhere.<p>

We'll… not exactly nowhere. Nowhere in a desert had that vaguely resembled the Sahara desert…. or not. There should be, at least a dying shrub of a tree around.

Olivia, with one had shielding her eyes from the sun's glare, searched the barren landscape. There was nothing resembling a tree or better yet, a hotel in this crazy dream she was having. Yet, she didn't remember going to bed before 'poof'.

She was sure that she was in the middle of being stood up on a hot date.

Sand for miles and lousy phone service was probably a good sign that Olivia should start freaking out by now. Strangely, she felt very numb to everything as if she was watching a documentary on animals and flipped the channel a second later. Olivia tried to sit down on the sand as one of her terrible habits to do in public. She was a sitter.

The burning sand roasted her butt through her date jeans and she immediately stood up in pain. Brushing the hot sand from her behind, she tried to remember something from all the survivor shows she watched. Why didn't she have a backpack?

She was completely unprepared for the desert with her black ripped jeans, tan tank top and tawny wooly poncho. She would die of heat exultation if she stayed in the sunlight. Should she remove her clothes or at least the poncho to make her cooler or attempt to walk somewhere?

Olivia stared at her fair skin that began to turn into red splotches down her arms. Oh dear god, she just had to make it somewhere before the splotches invade her face. Why didn't she bring her special ointment with her?

Time to take her chances. She tried to begin her awkward walk down a hill made of shifting sand and tripped. Rolling down to the foot of the dune, she screamed in agony as her face hit the sand. She sat on her knees and looked at her feet that had already begun to accumulate blisters inside their flashy pumps she had just bought this morning.

Olivia gently placed one foot in front of her as she stood up in the shifting sand. She stomped on the ground just in case something was going to happen. What if that spot in front of her was quick sand?

It seemed fairly solid though.

She walked on top of it and sank into the deep sand, her face and neck was the only things of her body that could move. Olivia tried to wiggle herself out of the sand.

No luck.

"Oh god, this is it… This is really it. Why do I have to die in such a way? I'm sorry for everything I've done in my life. Of all the time wasted. If somebody could be here to save me, I will dedicate my life to truly living," Olivia wailed to the ever blue sky and the horizons that were getting blurrier and blurrier in her lenses.

Suddenly, a large yellow teddy bear fell on her face. She tried to shake it off even though it was rather cool on her face. Somebody had to have thrown it. Somebody that could save her.

She opened her mouth to cry for help but the teddy's legs promptly stuffed themselves in her mouth.

What the hell?

"Welcome, potential Mary Sue candidates. You may consider this a tournament of skill, of knowledge, of how much you love Naruto so much! Kawaii desu, believe it!"

Olivia heard the loud cheer of several groups of girls all around her. She tried to lean back her head to get a better look but the teddy bear moved to sit over her eyes with the rest of its butt.

'That voice couldn't be coming from the teddy bear, could it,' Olivia thought to herself.

"There will be no team ups and anyone who tries to leave the area automate lose," The teddy bears with the voice of a 35 year old smoker bellowed. "As the good book says, brought together by Naruto, divided by Sasuke. Whoever has the best pronunciation of this anime's action moves, Wins! Fight."

Amy Saul leaped into the air and completed a complicated jutsu she just made up on the spot. Who's to say it wasn't jutsu if hadn't been seen on Naruto yet? "Ultimate Fireball: Howling breath," she cried from the heavens.

A wave of flames in the form of a great dragon circled a group of girls who were trying to remember the name of Neji's twist moves. Amy laughed as she did a cool back flip and landed in the sand a few feet away.

"Doesn't count. Wasn't Japanese." Amy's attack bounced off the girls and went straight to her, setting her on fire. She screamed and tried to put herself out, but she burnt to death off screen.

"By the way, I said there weren't going to be any team ups. So, you girls lose as well," The teddy bear pointed in their direction as the dragon came rushing back for the kill. "And just because I'm bored, the dragon is now a main boss you will all have to face."

"What," the remaining girls shouted before running in all sorts of directions. The dragon's body suddenly pulled sand within in itself to create a more solid body. The sand where Olivia was trapped in was left alone.

Olivia never believed in dragons anyway….

"I won't die like this! Mangekyō Sharingan! I'm mate raSSu," some girl cried out. A wall of flames emerged the size of her hand before disappearing with a cough. The girl tried to look at the sand dragon and realized that she was blind. "Ahhh! I'm blind. Somebody, give me your eyes! I should have moved on to Twilight like my mom!"

The sand dragon then snapped her up by her Twilight shirt and swallowed her whole.

Olivia decided to go back to dying as she passed out.

By night fall, when Olivia woke up, all of the girls had been whittled down to two girls.

"Rasengan!"

"Chidori!"

There was loud explosion that shook the very sand Olivia was trapped in. Olivia tried to get a look at the action but she could see nothing.

There were more shouts and flashes of lights until she heard somebody scream 'Naruto will end with Sasuke killing Naruto!'

And then there was echoing screams and the other person begging to be spared.

Cue abrupt end of sounds.

Olivia could almost hear crickets and the sounds of somebody walking back to where she was trapped.

Oh crap.

"Miki Shugohime here! That's my fanfiction name. I can't believe that I will actually get to inside the world of Naruto! Yosh! Watashi wa katsu! Looks like I win. I win! I win!" Whoever it was did sound rather too bubbly after killing someone.

Olivia played with the idea of pretending to be dead until they left. Dying like this would be much preferable then a painful, gory chakra involved death.

"Lucky you," The teddy bear replied. He picked at his non-existent fingernails. "Looks like I will be taking you two back to headquarters."

Olivia blinked underneath the soft tosh. Did he just say two?

The teddy bear clapped and they were both transported to headquarters. Olivia fell to the polished marble floor while Miki tip-toed over to the very obvious and out of place makeshift gaudy curtains that took over half of the room. Miki made a motion for Olivia to come over and Olivia decided against the pain of her ripe blisters to come over.

Olivia took in Miki's outfit. The girl was dressed in baggy khaki shorts and a T-shirt with the words written in bright red cursive letters. 'Shonen Bishoen~Sign Here.' Miki also had a black, worn laptop case hanging off her right shoulder.

Sure, she had only knew the girl less than a minute but she had a feeling they would become good friends.

Miki pushed her into the curtains.

Olivia's lean body managed to snap all of the clips holding up the curtains before wrapping her in a velvet cocoon. She stuck her head out of the mess to get an eye full of a devious, and if this writer can quote, handsome young man standing there. Her eyes looked up, down and stayed near his feet.

'That no good, prettier than me bitch, would pay,' she swore violently in her mind.

He was, however, standing in a pile of unmanly frills, lace and Lolita dresses whose colors alternated between periwinkle and wine red. Olivia noticed right behind him, there was a sowing machine with an unfinished dress. It was a deep emerald green, the color of her eyes and her favorite color.

"Oh, for the love of god," he shouted as he stepped over to Olivia before tugging his sheets off her.

"Jeremy! Why are there a weeaboo and an old lady here? Shouldn't they be in the Suethor-Gear," he added as an afterthought to no one in the room.

Miki on the other side of her did the 'guy- is- crazy' kooky sign when she thought the man wasn't looking. "Why are all the psycho guys always the kawaii ones? If only he had glasses, he could be my ouji-sama!"

Olivia only glared at the both of them. She wasn't old. Simply aged. What was wrong with being 29?

Somebody's voice appeared on the intercom. "Being fixed. You used it on too many girls, last time. Give them the introduction and I'll meet you by the Naruto Canon. Oops, I mean Cannon."

"My little asshole," the handsome man mumbled under his breath. "My name is Austin Howard and I am AWEsome. The two of you are potential Mary Sue candidates which mean that you will be working for me. I go by many names, but this is apparently the first chapter and my contract permits me from doing so until the second chapter. So refer to me as Som."

Austin with his chestnut mullet hair paused dramatically as if he was expecting someone to come out of the bowls of the many hallways in the headquarters. Then he flicked away a strand of hair from his nose and strolled away down a hallway on the left. Miki and Olivia stared at each other for a few seconds before scrambling after him.

Olivia had a slight fantasy of running her fingers through his hair which quickly perverted to him asking her to lick his feet.

Olivia blushed at the thought like she was 15 again. Eeew?

Austin flashed a knowing smile at her and she looked away. She then ran into a wall and Miki wouldn't stop laughing at her.

'What an immature brat! Was I like that?' Olivia snarled in her thoughts. 'What a freaky japanophile.'

As they continued down the hallway, it widened into a large laboratory, full of beakers, tubes and sciency stuff. They were many people running around and a group of teenagers chained together in the middle of the floor.

Olivia went over to get a closer look and she saw how one girl's eyes were dilated. She was High! What was going on here?

Suddenly, all of the busy movement of the lab came to abrupt halt as everyone, including the drugged teens stared at her.

She might have said that out loud.

"A nice bit of work here," Austin stated after steeping away from one of the lab doctors.

"They are drugged but not with any substance. Most of our machines work by the power of raw unfiltered imagination so we mashed up old Disney films, Twilight, I am Number Four, the Harry Potter books and movies, fanfiction, Fred and YouTube videos. You have no clue how much imagination this method creates while these morons try to make sense out of everything."

Olivia felt that her question still was not answered. "You don't get high off movies!"

"We made them watch it 736 times and placed references of the movie in their daily lives. You act like it's a bad thing. They all volunteered and signed waivers if you are so worried, old lady. Also they have learned the meaning of life but refuse to tell me. So _being high does make you smarter_," Austin said frankly before walking away fast and once again, Olivia and Miki chased after him.

Now, they were in some larger dome room where gargantuan cannon stood.

"This is the Naruto Cannon weapon we have equipped for your needs. However, you are merely candidates and cannot use the almighty canon which is fine because we plan to destroy the real one. This is just the anti-Naruto Canon. Call it the ANC." Austin checked his very expensive Rolex and whistled to himself.

A carved, almost drawn outline of a door appeared on the surface of the Cannon before opening to reveal a teenager with flowing red hair that ran to the mid of his back.

Or that is what Olivia assumed as she began to turn into Yaoi fangirl mode. They were both hot good-looking guys in a room, talking to each other in a familiar way...

Hello future daydream material!

"Hi. I'm Jeremy the intern. I work for Sum," he introduced himself. "Your job is to kill or capture all of the fanon versions of the characters and weaken the foundation of the parallel Fanon Universe of Naruto. The destruction of the universe and my collage credit for the summer relies on you ladies… So do a good job!"

"Whoa. Wait a minute here. Why are we doing this? It's fanfiction! It's just fanfiction! The fanon universe of Naruto does not actually exist as something you can teleport yourself to through the power of imagination," Olivia asked, bringing all eyes back on to her.

Austin rolled his eyes. "And now we know who to choose to take out the Mary Sue, if old lady over there ever goes rogue." Austin wiped out a spray can from nowhere and spritzes Miki.

**Miki level up! **

**Level 5 Anti-Mary Sue **

**Abilities Gained: Cool catchphrase and tragic back story **

**Weapon: Cool katana and warped reasoning **

**Sympathy Level: -15% **

"That was the can of kickass, Sum," Jeremy pointed out before taking out the can of sealed evil anti-evil. He sprayed it on Miki who laughed maliciously and vanished with a slight pop.

Jeremy then pulled out a white paper that looked like a cue card. "Oh no," he read dryly. "Your friend has turned evil by natural causes beyond your control and will destroy the real Naruto universe if you don't stop her,"

Olivia was so unconvinced. She knew the other girl for like what, ten minutes at the most? Friend was a very long stretch if you asked her? Why not rival or the lesser of the madness going on here?

Jeremy took in a deep breath and mumbled the rest of the lines quickly. "You must go through the Fanon and stop her and do whatever Sum asked you. It is your destiny! And so go forth_ insert name_ here. You are now a level one Mary Sue!"

**Olivia Registered **

**Level 1 Neutral Sue **

**Augment Potential: Purity Sue, Fixer Sue, Possession Sue **

**Abilities Gained: Uselessness, Achievements through Ignorance* Rare spell **

**Stats Negated: Backstory **

**Sympathy Level: 0%**

"Why are my stats so crummy? And what's a Mary Sue anyway? My name is Olivia! Olivia! I'm a…..mmph! I go to mmph," Olivia whined. Why couldn't she say anything about her personal life!

Jeremy tsked. "You don't get a backstory. You've just ceased to be a real person. If you want a backstory, you can level your way up the Mary Sue creation chart. If you want to be a real person again, you will have to level out of a Mary Sue, an Original Character and then become a Main Character. But that takes a power that you won't be able to gain."

"Whhhaaat! I can't do all of that. Just unregister me! Send me home."

"It's not possible anymore, old lady," Austin grabbed Olivia by the collar of her poncho, lifting her of the ground by a few inches. He swung her around eight times in a circle before letting her go.

Olivia flew into a wall and transformed into a certain Pink haired kunoichi.

**Olivia level up! **

**Level 3 Possession Sue**

**Abilities Gained: Sakura **

**Weapon: Uselessness, Achievements through Ignorance **

**Sympathy Level: Varied, Unable to compute at this time **

"Oh look, she didn't gain a proper weapon. I must have done the cheat wrong. Want to give it a try, Jeremy," Austin noted.

Jeremy simply placed his hands behind his head and walked away.

"What a poor sport." Austin practically skipped over to Olivia and lifted her up by the collar again. He leaned in close, their lips nearly touching and Olivia blushed again despite the bump that was forming in the back of her head.

"FAIL AND I'LL KEEL YOU FOR THE LOLZ!"

Olivia freaked out and boy was it overdue. What the Super hell? She attempted to struggle out of his grip on her shirt but she was weak as a drowned cat.

A crack in the floor opened up beneath her and Olivia was dropped into one of the most disgusting pits known to Mankind.

She fell further and further into Naruto Fanfiction.


End file.
